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If you are reading this you might be pregnant preparing for your postpartum experience, or maybe you’ve given birth to your baby and you’re in the height of those intense feelings that come with new motherhood. I’ve been where you are and I hope my story about baby blues and postpartum anxiety can help you feel less alone in your journey.
Initial feelings after coming home from the hospital
I had made it through nearly 10 months of pregnancy. I gave birth during the height of a global pandemic in the Summer of 2020.
Coming home from the hospital was scary at first. We were first time parents who didn’t have much experience with babies. It felt strange knowing that we were completely on our own taking care of our tiny newborn. We no longer had the nurses and hospital staff guiding us. At the same time, it was nice to be home in a familiar setting where we could bond with our baby without doctors and nurses walking in every 10 minutes.
I finally had my sweet baby in my arms after desperately waiting to meet him. It was such an overwhelming feeling! I was mesmerized by every little move and sound he made. He was only two days old and I already felt like if I blinked, I would miss out on an important moment.
Baby blues
Before leaving the hospital a nurse told me that I would probably experience the baby blues. About 4 out of 5 new mothers have baby blues. She said “you are going to cry a lot in the first two weeks. If these feelings persist after two weeks, it might be an indication of postpartum depression.”
She was spot on. Some people describe their baby blues as an intense feeling of sadness. For me, I felt an overwhelming feeling of happiness mixed with vulnerability. I vividly remember the day after we came home from the hospital, I looked at my baby and just sobbed. I felt an astounding sense of love.
He used to be safe inside my womb for 10 months and the thought that he was now out in the world was frightening. My baby is a piece of my soul and if anything were to happen to him, part of me would die. This was a level of vulnerability I had never experienced before.
Like clockwork, at two weeks postpartum the baby blues had passed and the uncontrollably crying had stopped. I still had intense emotions, but I could better keep them contained. If after two weeks postpartum your baby blues have not gone away, seek out guidance from your healthcare provider.
Postpartum anxiety
*trigger warning: My fears and anxieties are described in detail and may be triggering for some.*
Worrying about your baby’s well being and safety is normal and a sign that you are a caring parent. However, if intrusive thoughts of potential harm to your baby are becoming debilitating, it could be an indication of postpartum anxiety. This is something I experienced.
The thought that my tiny baby was helpless and relied on me for everything was all consuming. He was the most precious thing in the world to me and it was my job to protect him.
Often I would lie awake in fear of SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome) even though I was following all of the safe sleep guidelines. My baby was waking every hour. I couldn’t shake the fear that I would make a mistake on account of sleep deprivation and it was keeping me awake… a vicious cycle!
Almost every night I would wake up in a dream-like state convinced that my baby was in bed with me wrapped in the covers. I would grab at the blankets trying to get to him before I woke up enough to realize he was sleeping soundly in the bedside bassinet. I have friends who have shared that they experienced the same phenomenon.
Another recurring thought revolved around our stairs. My inner dialogue said “What if I accidentally tripped down the stairs while holding the baby? Why the heck did we decide to live in a two story house? It’s so dangerous!” I honestly wanted to move!
I knew dwelling on these “scary thoughts” was not healthy or rational. My anxiety has improved over time, partially due to some lifestyle changes I made.
How I coped with my postpartum anxiety
Sleep
Sleep is so important for your overall mental and physical health. I know… sleep is a touchy subject because there is a good chance you are not getting much of it with a newborn. My advice is to prioritize getting whatever kind of rest you can.
If someone offers to watch the baby while you nap, take them up on it. If the baby is napping, place them in their safe sleep space and then lay down and close your eyes. Even if you aren’t able to sleep, find ways to rest your body and mind. Getting a little rest here and there greatly improved my mood and allowed me to function.
Cut out stimulants
I couldn’t wait to enjoy beer or a glass of wine after a long sober pregnancy. I also enjoyed my daily cup of coffee. However, alcohol and caffeine can intensify anxiety.
I was tired of feeling so on edge all the time and was going to do anything in my power to feel better. I made the hard decision to cut out all caffeine and alcohol until my anxiety improved.
Joined postpartum mental health social networks
Going through my postpartum period during a pandemic could be very isolating. I had no family in the area and I couldn’t visit with friends. Following social media accounts centered around postpartum health made me feel less alone.
The Instagram accounts that helped me a lot were @psychedmommy and @dralicepsyd. They addressed postpartum anxiety and specifically these “intrusive” or “scary” thoughts. Reading their posts and seeing the community of other mamas experiencing the same thing reassured me that I was not alone.
Here are a couple of their posts:
Time
Over time, I have less and less anxiety. Now at six months postpartum, my mood and hormones have regulated and I feel in control of my emotions. I still get the occasional anxious or intrusive thought, but I am able to identify it for what it is which is fear and not reality!
Conclusion
After birth, a lot of focus is placed on the baby, and sometimes the recovering mother is forgotten. I shared my story in hopes to normalize this topic and offer some tips on how to care for yourself during those early days after birth.
For anyone that needs to hear it… Its normal to:
- not feel like yourself after birth.
- have baby blues.
- experience postpartum anxiety.
Have you experienced baby blues or postpartum anxiety? What helped you?
Seeking help?
Do not be afraid to seek help when you need it. Here is a resource:
Postpartum Support International: https://www.postpartum.net/
[…] You can read more about my postpartum story here. […]